Relationship difficulties tend to dominate our whole being. This is especially the case with close friends, family, or an intimate partner. The people that matter most. Such difficulties may bring emotional pain, precipitate depression or anxiety, leave us feeling devalued, demoralised, ashamed. We are unavoidably social beings, evolved to rely on and need each other. Not just for survival, but for wellbeing, purpose, as part of our psychological identity, and for meaning in life.
Working with relationships is a very common task in the therapy room. Here, I consider a few of the ways I might support you to work through them.
Finding an intimate relationship – a primary life task
I want to begin by talking specifically about intimate relationships. Finding a significant other to share life’s journey with is a primary life task. (Even in our most liberal societies, where gender, sexuality, and relationship norms have been challenged, this is still the case.) Equally, you may be in an arranged relationship or marriage. Either way, to ‘land’ an intimate partner and affirm commitment is to alter your life’s trajectory. Often, we are prepared to upend our lives to make that relationship ‘work.’ Some will move country, change or quit their job, learn a new language, adopt new cultural habits. Life becomes inextricably intertwined with this other person’s world: their cultural heritage and milieu, personal history and life goals, social circles and family network. There is sexual compatibility to explore – a crucial dimension to figure out for some relationships, the starting point for others.
This is high stakes stuff, so many of the steps can leave us vulnerable. Some people struggle with the notion of commitment, or with finding another to commit to or commit ‘with.’ Others find closeness difficult, and need to maintain aloof with a degree of distance for fear of annihilation, being smothering. Two partners can enter a relationship with unknowingly different narratives. And, these clash as they start to sense different directions that need to be taken, different ends to two different stories. Some relationships reach a despairing conclusion after years of hollow commitment. Working with relationships can be hard, life-changing therapeutic work.
Competing ideas about how to understand relationships
There are many possible ways to approach relationship problems. Psychodynamic theory is the first I wish to mention. One of Freud’s big propositions was that our childhood relationship with parents leaves a profound imprint on our character. And, as a consequence, on how we relate with others across our lifespan. Relational patterns may thus be set in motion from childhood. But, when we’ve grown up with them, these are so normal to us… they are reality! Why would we even begin to question them? When adult relationship difficulties arise, perhaps we need insight on those patterns. You can see here, depth learning on your self occurs if looking into relational patterns.
A second, relevant approach to consider is known as Transactional Analysis (TA). As the name suggests, its focus is on analysing interactions in relationships. If you note that you’ve ‘been having the same argument for the last six months,’ for example, TA might be of interest. Eric Berne, its founder, proposed that we need to find the way to step into an ‘adult’ mode of relating, to break such repetitions. He identified a number of ‘games people play’ in order to gain certain emotional or relational payoffs. Thinking in a ‘TA’ way can bring a lot of insight to relationship problems.
Existential therapy, in contrast, is concerned with attitude, freedom, and responsibility. This perspective is one that won’t let you off the hook. It will help you to examine what your role is in the ongoing relationship difficulties. That is usually the last thing anyone wants to hear because “it’s all their stupid fault!” However, life constantly offers us lessons if we choose to pay attention to them. Reflecting deeply on what it is about ourselves, our demeanour or behaviour, that allowed a conflict to worsen means avoiding it the next time. It also may lead to helpful shifts in attitude, right now, that can diffuse the worst problems.
These are just some of the ways we can understand relationship difficulties. There are so many more ideas that can prove useful, like that of psychologist Robert Sternberg. A pluralistic approach to therapy is free to draw from whatever ideas may prove helpful.
The therapist’s role in working with relationships
Most people just need a sympathetic ear for when they are struggling with a relationship. The very best intentions of friends however frequently come with opinions and observations that cloud your ability to think clearly. This is where the neutrality of a therapist really comes into its own. Their only agenda is to help you analyse, gain more depth understanding of what’s happening. From there, you can generate ideas on how to reduce or resolve the problem(s). Of course, any therapist would need to break that neutrality if they identified you were in any kind of danger. But, they should first be able to help you get beyond an unhelpful right/wrong ‘blame game’ mode of thought about your troubled relationship.
Remember also that your connection with your therapist is itself a close relationship. Many therapists will sometimes ‘make use’ of this, myself included. What this means is to invite curiosity about your relational style as a person, by observing how you both are together. This is something we consider with respect, sensitivity, and courtesy. It is the deepest privilege to be entrusted and earn the right to enter into therapeutic relationship with a client.
In closing
For me, relationships are a key aspect of psychological well-being to work with, because of how central they are. There is no internal peace possible where conflicts persist. Difficulties with them are often the key factor behind persistent anxiousness, lingering depressive symptoms, or a collapse in our trust of our very selves. If you would like to work together to try make more sense of your relationship difficulties, you are welcome to be in touch.
