Here continues our consideration of the second half of maintenance strategies, and their evidence-based relevance to better communication in intimate relationships. So far we’ve had use of advice, sharing tasks, and offering assurances. Next, we turn to…
Conflict management
The skills involved with conflict management are a bit like the ‘soft skills’ we have to find the words to blab about, exaggerate on job applications. Here, think cooperation, apologising, forgiving, patience, showing understanding. These are the kinds of qualities that the major religions impress upon us. When there is tension in the air, each participant must take responsibility for de-escalation. Easier said than done, and besides, there can be immense satisfaction in letting it blow up every now and then. ‘Make-up sex’ is a whole thing. Beware, though — some psychologists argue it’s a toxic path for a relationship to habitually tread. The peaceful path is better for you.
One of the main services provided by good therapy is the opportunity to step out of a ‘blame game’ way of thinking. The coolness and neutrality of the therapy room allows for a different perspective to be created, step outside of blame to where your understanding of what’s really happening can actually deepen. Think about this in the context of your relationship. You have a choice — stay trapped in blame games, or shift to a reflective attitude. Conflicts present an opportunity to learn more about each other. This is challenging, because it gets into the heart of who you each are as people. It may take a lifetime to sharpen such skills. A lot depends on where you each start from. And, it requires equal commitment from each person to make it happen.
Key reflection — Conflicts can be reframed as opportunities to learn more about each other — how possible does that sound to you?
Attitudinal positivity
My partner is Filipino, and of all the maintenance strategies this one makes me think ‘Philippines.’ Their cafés and restaurants love plastering breezy “live, laugh, love” motivational fare all over the walls. Those kind of sentiments, naive to the grumpy eye of many europeans, are everywhere. The thing is though, they live it. They really do meet each moment with a hearty smile. Life lessons for my continent, where cynicism is more philosophically embedded in the physical.
“Interact with optimism and cheer, maintain a supportive attitude, and avoid undue criticism…” Simple but effective rules of thumb. If you can stretch to meet them, you’re doing your bit for your partner and supporting your relationship on an important dimension. It is wearying to have to live with a perennial dark cloud. Perhaps more than others, the impact of this maintenance strategy lies in the everyday, more so than the strategic, longer-term picture. For most of us (i.e., where there is no experience of depression), attitude is a choice. Remember that.
A quote from James Joyce comes to mind here… “There is not past, no future; everything flows in an eternal present.” The time to address attitude is… now. And, now. And…
Key reflection — Can you take responsibility for maintaining a bit more positivity and kindness in the everyday, as part of your relationship?
Social networks
For the next of our maintenance strategies… We’re not talking social media, but your actual real-world social connections across communities. (Well, yes, I guess this does include social media…) Making use of social networks and affiliations as part of the relationship can provide great stability and support for your relationship in times of need. It takes a proverbial village to raise a child — the same is perhaps true for relationship stability, particularly in its first steps. A well-established research finding is that relationship bonds benefit from new experiences together. So, having a dynamic social environment in which it exists can support those to happen. Unexpected nights out, spontaneous trips, surprise parties — simple things can keep life feeling full with possibility.
A good social network also gives you opportunities for ‘space’ from each other. Degree of dependency on each other is unique to every relationship. Some cannot bear a moment apart, others happily live apart; most are somewhere in the middle. There are no ‘right’ answers, and so long as you’re content, it’s no-one else’s business. Esther Perel however does argue that healthy independence within a relationship is the key to maintaining erotic energy and passion. If that catches your attention, perhaps you’d benefit from a touch more freedom. Hit your friends up, separately as well as together.
Key reflection — Do your social networks provide you with appropriate opportunities to be both together-as-a-couple and independent of each other?
Openness
In the previous point, I referred to those differences in dynamic balance that each unique relationship will arrive at. Some, forever together; others, blissfully independent. A key aspect of arriving at such balance, and maintaining it, is the ability to talk, openly, about the relationship. About hopes for the future, to harmonise different visions of where you each see things ideally ending up. As also mentioned earlier, we each carry our own personal ambitions alongside mutually-dreamed-of futures. In the endorphin-fuelled rush of a new relationship, personal ambitions can take a back seat, even get buried at the end of the garden. Years later, they resurrect themselves out of nowhere, a ‘side’ of you that now seeks a little recognition. “Yes, actually, I’ve always been fascinated by [insert weird awkward thing here].”
Often (but not always), these can relate to sex and sexuality, areas where shame and secrecy lurk. So many people silently carry their kinks with them to high heaven, for fear of mortification. What’s key is whether your relationship feels secure enough to be able to talk about it. Rules and boundaries are also something to maintain a flexible mindset with. I recall the case of a couple in my wider circle many years ago. A wanted an open relationship, but B refused outright. Things flipped upside down when A encountered some mental health difficulties and lost their sex drive. B, suddenly realising the force of their own sexual needs, re-opened the discussion and they worked together to renegotiate the rules. They’re still together, as far as I know.
Key reflection — How open are you to discussing the red lines, rules, and boundaries around your relationship, and fulfilment of your own personal needs and ambitions?
In closing
I hope there is something in these to reflect on. You might have already realised that these maintenance strategies don’t quite explicitly cover sex, sexual and erotic connection, which is obviously a big limitation. I kind of shoehorned it into discussion of openness! But, there is enough here to really get you thinking and talking about your relationship.
