Love languages are about communication in relationships. In a previous article, I bemoaned ‘the problem with’ love languages and offered a rather simple metaphorical alternative. The research suggests it’s best to think about a ‘balanced diet’ of different types of love to shower on your beloved — this will prove more beneficial to your relationship. But can the psychology of communication offer us something more substantial than that metaphor to work with? Yes… ‘maintenance strategies.’
What are maintenance strategies?
These are, as per their plain-Jane name, strategies undertaken to maintain a relationship. They come from the formal end of academia and can be applied to all close relationships, not just that with your intimate other(s). My thinking here, however, is about their use for intimate relationships.
Compared with love languages, their unimaginative name is drier, less sexy… sounding more like some corporate Health-and-Safety initiative than a way to connect with a beloved. However, there is good research evidence to support this theory, which is a step beyond what the poetic allure of love languages has to back it up.
There are disagreements between researchers about whether there are five or seven maintenance strategies indicated by the stats, so I will discuss all seven. If you are reflecting on your communication in relationships, it is likely of more help to think about all of them.
When applying this theory, you need to think about both the short- and the long-term picture in your relationship. Be attentive to the everyday stuff, and pay attention to where it’s all heading. Think about these two levels as we dive in…
Use of advice
This strategy refers to our ability to both give and receive advice, in equal measure, in intimate relationship. Offering advice, you say? No biggie, we do it all the time, every day. Seeing our partner still hasn’t figured out the trick with the sticky lock, or the right temp settings for oven baking, we jump right in. Cue the niggling argument…
But zoom out to bigger-picture life stuff, like career changes, relocations, managing family conflicts… That’s a whole other kind of ‘advice’ to be giving, quote-unquote. Comments on such issues often end up inadvertently loaded with your own needs, grinding against their needs and, possibly, better judgement. Caution and awareness are paramount. Respect for autonomy is hard to hold.
Important also is to consider the emotional aspect of advice. Think, in contrast to the previous point, about how you receive it. Taking your partner’s perspective on board with grace shows them trust, value, and respect.
Ultimately, if you can get to it, you want to serve as the #1 social support person in the whole-wide-world for each other. So, try to think about their real needs as best you can, when offering advice. If you’re not clear on them, why not open up a conversation to clarify them?
Key reflection — How open are each of you to giving, and receiving, advice? And, how attuned are you to each others’ real needs?
Sharing tasks
Blessed (and rare as hens’ teeth) be the relationships that don’t have to negotiate anything around sharing of tasks. There’s the obvious jobs like cleaning out cat litter trays, putting out bins. There’s nicer stuff like getting groceries (you buy foods you want while picking nice things for your partner… win-win). And, you’ve also got more skilled ‘adulting,’ like financial planning. Often, these break more evenly as we each accept the others’ aptitude for what we don’t want to touch.
The title here is a little misleading, because sharing tasks also refers to obligations. Think turning up to social events like weddings, parties, neighbourhood meet-ups and so on. There are social expectations around representing yourselves as a unit, as a combined force. Don’t leave all the responsibility for this on one pair of shoulders.
When it comes to sharing of tasks, pull your weight. And, listen if you’re called out on it. Most people have a surprising sixth sense for unfairness. You know, instinctively, when you’ve been doing all the heavy lifting in your relationship, and your partner has been coasting. And that’s grounds for malcontent to start creeping.
Frans de Waal claimed that reciprocity and empathy are the pillars of morality, and that even monkeys have a sense of fairness. His famous study with capuchins is worth watching and re-watching…
Key reflection — How equal is the distribution of tasks, and meeting of social obligations, in your relationship?
Offering assurances
It’s so easy to say “I love you” over and over… ad nauseum, taking it beyond meaning. But, it’s still important. The offering of assurances on the routine level are everyday signs that, “Yes, I’m still here!” These can be surprisingly hard to offer when a relationship stretches into medium- and long-term zones. We all get caught up in routine stresses / stress routines, embroiled in workplace politics and the like. Just make sure your partner gets some kind of genuine gratitude with regularity, as best you can.
Often, there is a clash between the routine and the strategic. “They tell me they love me repeatedly, but I can’t see where this is going…” Or… “They’ve sworn blind they’re committed, but day-to-day, it’s an emotional desert, I feel nothing…” Messaging and actual behaviour doesn’t quite fit, particularly with the long-term picture. It’s not just what you say, it’s what you do. Relationships need a tangible feeling of commitment to continue themselves, it’s a vital function.
The concept of ‘love bombing’ is worth mentioning here — showering someone with a barrage of gifts, compliments, cosmetic assurances to secure their trust. Receiving so many assurances that they are left blinded, to an extent. This most often has a negative, manipulative trajectory. But… If you are love-bombing a partner with good intentions, reflect on the expectations you’re creating for yourself into the future. Few can keep up that kind of intensity.
Key reflection — Is there clear connection between everyday and long-term messaging about your mutual commitment to your relationship?
To be continued
Each of the maintenance strategies deserve proper airtime, so I will pick up on these in my next post…
